Ultimate Movie Dad Death Match Results

I’m watching “The History of Gluttony” on H2 (The critically acclaimed sequel to the History Channel — which sucks balls now).I don’t feel good about it. I feel great about it. In my opinion, I should be featured in this program. I eat myself to sleep every night and I’ve been doing it for three decades. Let me break it down for you in terms of professional sports related consistency.

Lou “Iron Horse” Gehrig + Cal “Iron Man” Ripken Jr. + Brett “Real Comfortable Jeans” Favre = Philip Bouie (gluttony not sports).

Let’s get down to the nitty gritty. Shall we?

Darth Vader defeats Fletcher Reede – It was a relatively uninspired bloodbath. Darth “I am your father” Vader had too many radical components of “dadness” to be defeated by a lawyer that was “magically” forced to tell the truth. At the apex of his power, one could argue that Darth Vader was the most powerful man “in a galaxy far, far away.”  He commanded a ship known as The Death Star. He was in full control of a fleet of thousands. Hell, he even had his own souped up Tie-Fighter! Are there any other pilot dads in this tournament? I don’t think so. Fletcher Reede, forgot his son’s birthday party because (if memory serves me correctly) he was banging a hot lawyer co-worker. If I were Fletcher Reede, I would have done the same thing. Fornication for the win! However, I am a bachelor that lives in deplorable squalor. I would have sex on food crates behind a Hardees if presented with a proposition by another living, breathing human being. I don’t have a son. I especially don’t have a son that has a crappy Jonathan Taylor Thomas haircut (dad fail!) and is forced to beg the cosmos for an end to my selfish ways. Sure, Fletcher didn’t cut off his own son’s hand. I’ll give you that. However, Vader was merely trying to groom Luke into becoming the eventual ruler of The Empire. All good fathers try to put their offspring in a position to succeed. It’s not Darth’s fault that Luke was so unwilling and had plans of his own. (Vader also saved his son’s life…the Emperor was making popcorn chicken out of him!)

I also want to note that Fletcher Reede’s “The Claw” is a definite ripoff of the finishing move by WWF wrestler Mankind. Thus, it can not be used as a positive on behalf of Fletcher Reede in this argument. Mr. Reede should know that there are copyright laws in place to prevent this sort of thing, he is a lawyer after all.

Quote of the match: ” Why didn’t he just call off the attacks and go have a beer at the Death Bar?” – Charles Hanson

Because Chuck. Because.

Clark Griswald runs amok over President Whitmore – Besides hugging his daughter during a scene or two of Independence Day, what the hell did President Whitmore do? Okay, he was a brave window in the face of an alien invasion. However, it can be argued that any one of us would have ice water running thru their veins, if the crafty duo of Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum were on the front lines fucking shit up. Welcome to Eerf!

So, what did President Whitmore really do in comparison to Clark Griswald? Not a god damn thing. In fact, Clark Griswald is considered to be the overwhelming favorite of the tournament by many for the malleability of his fatherhood. Let it be known that Whitmore did not receive a single vote in comparison to Griswald. Whitmore might have helped save the world, but he could not save himself.

Quote of the match: “Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol!?” – Clark Griswald

Vito Corleone makes Chief Brody an offer he can’t refuse – If Chief Brody were on Twitter, he’d be verified. Any man that goes from police chief to amateur monstrous great white shark killer is deserving of “officially recognized” social networking status. On the other hand, it doesn’t matter how big or how many sharks you kill, Vito Corleone is The Godfather. He will kill families for his family. Sometimes fatherly dedication comes in the form of gifting a brand new bike. Then there are times when a dad has to do what’s best for his family, by tactically dispatching people he used to break bread with.

How did Chief Brody deal with losing his oldest son? Oh, what’s that you say? It never happened? Oh-fucking-hell. Go watch The Godfather and take notes on how a dad gets real dad on someone who made his eldest son look like a slice of swiss cheese (insert joke of neutrality here). We don’t have enough time to go into all the details of how Vito Corleone is in a league of his own. This is only the first round people.

Quote of the match: “Whitey Bulger should have watched the film (The Godfather)” – Theo Simendinger

Mufasa out-sympathizes Ghost Dad – In a match nobody really paid attention to (I’m shocked! These are two dearly departed dads with heightened pop culture status.), Mufasa pulled those apathetic heartstrings just a tad bit more aggressively than Ghost Dad. Can this be considered a monumental upset? Was Mufasa criminally under-ranked as a 15 seed? Did Ghost Dad properly prepare for this match or did he rest on his laurels?

It can be said that Ghost Dad wasn’t a good father until he had already “passed.” On the other hand, Mufasa had a few “father of the year” moments right before his brother (Scar) “failed to save him” from the edge of a cliff. Oh, the woes of mortal futility. Does being saved by your own offspring make you an exemplary father or a false idol? Ghost Dad might be the only dad in this tournament faced with such a profound question? Unfortunately, he has just been eliminated.

Do you think Mufasa would have made a better college professor than “king of the jungle”? I guess we’ll find out in later rounds.

Quote of the match: “All Mufasa and Ghost Dad did was suck and die, but Ghost Dad at least came back.” – Mark Jones

Ultimate Movie Dad Death Match

 
“When I fight someone, I want to break his will. I want to take his manhood. I want to rip his heart out and show it to him.” – Mike Tyson 

“Manhood coerced into sensitivity isn’t manhood at all.”  – Camila Paglia 

Last year, I did my first ever “Ultimate Television Dad Death Match” on Facebook. I think it was a moderate success considering that I had zero expectations to begin with. I was expecting the following:

Me: Hey guys, in honor of Father’s Day, I created this awesome television-based tournament in which combatants are judged by the societal perceptions of “fatherhood.” Would you care to join in the amusement by helping me decide the winners/losers of each contest?

*cyber crickets* (this phrase is copyrighted)

 Thank god most of my friends are young professionals that hate their day jobs. Summer is the season of all-time low productivity at the sausage factory. 

My friends like to indulge in my silly internet games. They know behind online my avatar sits an extremely intelligent, handsome, winsome, awesome, funny, photogenic mercurial man, who is about five minutes of boredom away from crashing his car into his own place of residence.

Who won the “Ultimate Television Dad Death Match”? Al Bundy bested Cliff Huxtable in the final. After all, Mr. Bundy did score four touchdowns in a single game at Polk High School. Who else in the history of television dad-ness has done such a thing? Probably ever other fictional male character that attended a fictional high school and starred on the football team on a popular sitcom.

No matter. We’ve got some incredible match-ups this time around and the tournament has a field of 32. I’m going to highlight a few of the more intriguing ones:

Atticus Finch (To Kill A Mockingbird) vs. Willie Jones (Friday) – This is a certified “Clash of the Titans” if I do say so myself. You have Willie Jones, a dog catcher from the (over-rated or underrated, depending on your age and perspective) Friday movie franchise. Mr. Jones is known for his timely humor and his ability to Febreeze the hell out of a bathroom he has just defecated in. Atticus Finch, a longstanding pillar of morality in American literature. He’s so revered for his compassion that he’s a folklore hero. It can also be argued that Atticus Finch might be the first, “Hot Dad by Accident.”  Being the first at anything is a total aphrodisiac. Aphrodisiacs lead to “fatherhood,” if you know what I mean…

Jack Torrence (The Shining) vs. Royal Tenenbaum (The Royal Tenenbaums) – Jack Torrence, loved his family. Royal Tenenbaum, also loved his family. It was just different.

Lincoln Hawk (Over the Top) vs. Mr. Incredible (The Incredibles) – If I had to give this bout a title, I’d call it “Brute Strength.” Actually, fuck it. I wouldn’t merely call it that, I’d get a neck tattoo of it. I’d get a fucking neck tattoo of Mr. Incredible arm-wrestling Lincoln Hawk with the emboldened headline BRUTE STRENGTH written under the image. Nobody is messing with a guy like that….and I mean that on all levels.  

Ghost Dad (Ghost Dad) vs. Mufasa (The Lion King) – The battle of the dearly departed dads. Mufasa might get the sentimental vote, even though he is a fledgling 15 seed. (Look, if Mufasa spent more time in the gym, he would have been able to bring himself from the edge of the cliff. Besides, maybe he was a total bastard growing up? It’s not often that you hear about a brother killing a brother. Check history, not drunk history.)

Tom Mullen (Ransom) vs. Christopher Gardiner (Pursuit of Happyness) – Don’t mind us. We’re just two dads willing to do anything for our sons. Some more than others….

Wayne Szalinski (Honey, I Shrunk/Blew Up/Ate/Destroyed/Fucked, The Kids..) vs. Henry Jones Sr. (Indiana Jones) – Nerdy dad alert. I also apologize to the fictional Henry Jones by writing his name as “Harry” in my bracket. Whoopsies.

This should be a battle for the dad ages.